before you read this, know that this posting is extremely “graphic” in detail, NOT suitable for Children and no-less for many adults! It’s NOT perversion at its worst! It’s NOT pornography! It contains many thoughts and feelings that I’ve experienced in my life when I’ve – very unfortunately – indulged in things that I was never mean to!
Today(The 21st of May) was another “ordinary day” in the life of mine. This one in particular was one of my days off from work. I woke up at 8:00am. Got a little breakfast to eat, and decided to chance the oil in my car before I headed about an hour away from my house to see my therapist. So, I get in my not-so-attractive clothing to get in my vehicle and drive it around in the neighbor to warm her up for changing the oil.
As I’m driving down the side street of my house – I have to do this to reach my drive way, my drive way is in an alley behind the house. Anywho, I head down the side street, and right away I notice a bunch of transparent blue stuff in the middle of the road!! I was like: “what kind of sick low-life would dump their junk in the middle of the road!? How dare you?!” I was partly annoyed about this because it looked like glass, and I knew the chances of getting a puncture in at least one of my tires was a definite possibility!! So. . . I know I cannot avoid driving over it, I’m right in front of it! So I ease my way around it as much as possible. It looks like I’m ok. And then I make my turn right away from there into my alley, and I see more of it!! Aaaugh!! And it happens to be RIGHT before I turn into my driveway. So I’m pissed all-the-more. But I decide to slip it out of 1st and just let the vehicle coast backward, and I”ll make the “long-cut” drive around to the other end of the alley and enter that way. So, after a minute or two I’m in my driveway. After I’m out of my car, I take a closer look and realize… “Ah, it’s plastic!” So, I tried to let that energy consumed in my internalized anger out through a sigh of relief and thanking God through prayer for it not being what it could have been.
So, I do the oil change. No biggie, I’m done in about 45 mins. But as I’m done and ready to head back into the house, I decide to clear the “wreckage” left by another out of the way of the alley. So I head over to this load of broken up, transparent blue plastic that someone had obviously broken it intentionally, and didn’t seem to mind allowing it to fly all over the place…. Now, I could go into more detail of this part alone, which I’ve already covered a fair portion of it anyway… but I’m going to drop it now.
So, as I was saying, I clear this mess… and there I see what brought on feelings that made my mind race with excitement!! RED FLAG!! what I saw mixed with the plastic were several pairs of female heels – mainly open toe and ankle heels ( glorified sandals or flip-flops, basically ). Ok, stilettos !!!
And then I look over to my left, and then I see it ALL!! . . . mounds and mounds of completely unorganized garbage – it literally looked like someone had through out an apartment-sized amount of possession!! (This unfortunately isn’t all that uncommon in the area I live in – it’s an area that’s overflowing with a large population of white-trash individuals.) So, yes, I look to my left and there’s two queen-sized mattresses that are leaning up against a structure that’s adjacent to my driveway. But included in all of this – and it was brutally obvious: these were all female possessions: along with clothing and other female accessories, decor, furniture, curtains, and many other fun, frilly, typically-feminine possessions… and shockingly, some of the stuff was expensive, name-brand things! Also, a lot of it was still seemingly in decent, salvagible shape!
The first thought when I realized what I had stumbled across was, “Don’t go any further. Turn around, . . . and LET IT GO. . . Almost immediately, I disregarded this internal voicing. I started to walk closer toward it. And immediately I chose to look at all there was “to offer”. I took it all in. I wanted to see all of the cute decorative items. Everything that would identify typically as possessions pertaining to a woman. The second thing that caught my eye were the stillettos I mentioned earlier… yes, they were cute! Agonizingly-cute! Then I saw it: clothing, you guessed it right!!
I was now looking at a couple of pairs of female jeans, and the thought of how a female was once in these things, brought many unnecessary thoughts to think on and all-the-more to quiver about! Thoughts of jealousy, anger… but more specifically, envy, contempt!
By now my attention is drawn to another article of clothing… and this one thought was seriously about “Snatching” it. It was relatively early in the morning, and from my view, there wasn’t anyone around to “catch me”. What I saw was a cute, purple, knitted sweater with a cable-knit pattern to it – though I never got close enough to examine it to verify this. But I was certainly hoping it was!! Again, this particular item also looked like it was in decent shape and that it wasn’t really that dirty either… more thoughts forming!! Another item that probably made as much of an impression as the purple sweater was a purse bag. It was small, cute and COLORFUL and shiny from it’s “glitteryness”!
By now, I was in a mall, all my own! It was “free”! It was alone; no body could see me! In a way it was better than being at a mall, because it was all “free”, and I could fill myself to my heart’s content – not that it’d ever be content with it.
I even picked up a piece of decorative cloth that looked like a skirt at first – and though it wasn’t, it was still cute to me.
So, now there was a choice to be made, whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, it was going to be made. Either I say “No” to it all and continue down the path that Christ has already laid for me, or I can jump head-deep into my own world of isolation, fear, terror, selfishness, disconnection from those that cherish me and that I love… though most of all, I’d be letting myself and ultimately my Saviour down!
Though, thankfully, God provided a couple of things to help me to not snatch something that wasn’t mine to have. And I’m not saying this because “It’s strictly a ‘feminine’ item, so you cannot have something that’s decorative too, or with some decorative thought and style behind it!” No, it’s not that! I know that(at the very least) right now, for the time being in my life, these kinds of things are things that can lead to “Acting out”. And it’s not because these inanimate objects are necessarily ALL “female only!” or that they are “sinful and bad things”! It’s not about that. These particular types of things have an effect upon my heart, my mind – my thought processing and feelings – that will ultimately lead me down a VERY dangerous path! These aren’t things for me to occupy in my physical possession, in my mind, my feelings, my eyesight! Which will ultimately have its effect upon my heart!! These sorts of items are a portal through which my sinful and old parts of my heart will try to get me to do that which I don’t want to do – even though I AM still easily aroused and tempted by these things!!
I didn’t finish what I had started in my last paragraph about how God provided me with certain things to help aid me in letting it go. One, getting back to the stillettos; the ones that I cleared from my alley. Well, one thing that gave me some positive thoughts to hopefully replace the “Stinking Thinking” thoughts: along side the stillettos were a couple of used tampons!! Gross, right?! Well, this automatically led me to thinking about how potentially infected with disease these items were! Whether through anything sexually-transmitted, to the fact that these things came from a home that I didn’t know, that could have been extremely filthy. And, these things were sitting outside! They probably had a bunch of wild animals and insects running through this stuff collecting God-only-knows-what!” (Sad sidenote: Even though this is gross thinking about it, I will admit, that even though used, dirty, tampons are gross. I own to the fact that without God’s restraining Grace, I can go so deep into perversion over this where the thought of handling a used tampon that a female has used can even cause thoughts and imagery that can lead to “Acting out”. Is it gross and perverted? YES!! But that’s what I believe is a decent description of how truly and TOTALLY LOST we are in our “old” ways without Christ!
But I think that probably the biggest thing that God “put in my way” to help me to resist was that prior to changing the oil and finding the feminine objects, I was consumed in fear and trying to control how the day would play out. I knew that I had a limited amount of time before leaving for my therapist for our weekly session – which is one thing where my control doesn’t want to let up on the possibility of being late to that!
This post was probably WAY, WAY too “graphic”!!