Archive | September 2013

Whoever Thought. . . Part 1

Whoever thought that:  as someone that struggles w/ cross dressing, transgender-related thoughts, feelings, behaviours, etc. , struggling w/ envy and contempt for the feminine mind, body, apparel, accessories, heart, character traits…  EVERYTHING (typically) considered “feminine”, would wind up in such circumstances written below??

On the 9th of july I was hit by a 72 year-old driver’s tractor-trailer while heading south on I – 75 – totaling my vehicle.  I stepped out of that vehicle on my own, with only an insignicant-looking cut on my left ankle. The next morning, I wake up to see one of my therapist – which was a blessing after being in such an incident! While I was in session with her, she came over to embrace me in a way that I cannot remember ever having experienced – I truly felt a sense of love & security in her arms – The length and the assurance I felt of its authenticity was truly, heavenly!! Then 2 weeks later to-the-day of the accident – the 23rd of july – , the same very dear therapist,  I was told she had suffered devastating injuries, that left her in a hospital bed to slowing accept her physical death after being hit by a car while riding her motorcycle to work!   That taking place 4 days prior on a friday, the 19th of July.  The next day, the 24th, both of my parents left for Florida. Later that same day, while at work, I wind up splitting both of my middle fingers on my right hand open! I was rotating tires on a vehicle, when I suddenly missed sight of the sheet metal tray on the side of the vehicle lift where both fingers were crushed between this tray and the tire… instantly causing excruciating pain!  My boss didn’t appear too interested in my injury, so I took responsibility into my own “hands”, (so to speak, lol ) and left work, went to an urgent care where I had to fill out paper work with a hand that was severely disabled to write with. While I was taken into the back to get looked at by the doctor, I felt a strange sense of safety and comfort, while at the same time, my current ability to handle pain from the stitches that the doctor was about to administer was VERY LOW!  I was SO overwhelmed by everything that the doctor could tell that I wasn’t in a place where I could handle these stitches while sitting up straight. So, he told me to lay down and to avert my eyes… the pain was excruciating!! Though there was a thankfulness for being taken care of!! As though I knew, some how – I don’t know how – that I was safe in this place!! It was enormously comforting, even though the pain of the stitching was causing me to take the pain in “A very personal way”. Meaning, that when I was poked, it was as though I was thinking about all the pain and suffering in the world, and when that needle pierced through me again, I gave out a muffled cry of pain for the pain of those in this world!

About 7 days later, about the 31st or the 1st of August, I went back to this urgent care to get the stitches removed.  I had the same doctor, and once again, I needed to lay down and avert my eyes.  The pain from the removal of the stitches was almost of a similar level of pain as that of  the application of the stitches!  He used a pair of tweezers and scissors. He used the scissors to cut the loops of the stitches and then used the tweezers to slip the stitches out of my fingers. Though it felt like he was pulling these stitches out with all of his might with the tweezers without ever cutting the loops!!!  Then after the removal, I’m heading out of the urgent care while heading back to get in the truck – even before I make it back in, I receive a text. I get in the truck first before reading. . . . . . . What I was about to read next left me in tears!!