Archive | June 2014

As of June 29th.

Well it’s been a long time, but there’s no time like right now.

As of the last two weeks, God’s – more or less – God’s opened my eyes to the reality that, when he enables me to truly trust him w/ whatever comes my way…& I respond w/ acceptance – no matter what: things I typically try to control, or I’m scared of & I simply run from it…literally NO MATTER how scary or unpleasant or unpredictable a circumstance or situation becomes, I’d simply remind myself  through communicating it to God that, “You’re allowing this to happen & happen for a good reason”. “No  matter how scary things are, you’re taking care of me”. ___

Now w/ in the last four days, roughly, things started to get distorted. Meaning, even though I found myself content, I was compelled to run to fantasy I’d make up in my head & I’d act upon that! And this became a regular thing for each of those four days – give into the fleeting thoughts. Now, about a few hours ago when I can into work after leaving church, I saw what looked like a mother & daughter getting out of their vehicle. And they were dressed up really cute & elegant. The mother had on what looked like a really thin, but silky type skirt & this really adorable grey top that was made in such a way where from behind it fastened to her in such an elegant manner. And her daughter had a very adorable yellow skirt on. Though I was definitely more consumed by the mother & her outfit. ____ I thought to myself not long after seeing the two that, “if I follow God, I’ll never be able to wear anything like that”!!

Admittedly, self-pity was starting to set in! I knew that I couldn’t handle this!! I was left in my own personal depths of despair!!! W/ what seem like no way out, I chose after work to play “around the flame”. I checked out a few clothing stores – going through my usual ritual w/ unhealthy shopping; judging the differences between the male & female clothing…and w/ no surprise I made myself miserable w/ the male clothing!! And then feeling defenseless w/o a voice for anyone to hear me cry on the inside – ” women’s offerings are so much more pretty & diverse & the men’s is ugly & embarrassing to think that these outfits are made for men!? How dare they?!   ___ Now I’m at home again & I’m miserable.