As of June 29th.

Well it’s been a long time, but there’s no time like right now.

As of the last two weeks, God’s – more or less – God’s opened my eyes to the reality that, when he enables me to truly trust him w/ whatever comes my way…& I respond w/ acceptance – no matter what: things I typically try to control, or I’m scared of & I simply run from it…literally NO MATTER how scary or unpleasant or unpredictable a circumstance or situation becomes, I’d simply remind myself  through communicating it to God that, “You’re allowing this to happen & happen for a good reason”. “No  matter how scary things are, you’re taking care of me”. ___

Now w/ in the last four days, roughly, things started to get distorted. Meaning, even though I found myself content, I was compelled to run to fantasy I’d make up in my head & I’d act upon that! And this became a regular thing for each of those four days – give into the fleeting thoughts. Now, about a few hours ago when I can into work after leaving church, I saw what looked like a mother & daughter getting out of their vehicle. And they were dressed up really cute & elegant. The mother had on what looked like a really thin, but silky type skirt & this really adorable grey top that was made in such a way where from behind it fastened to her in such an elegant manner. And her daughter had a very adorable yellow skirt on. Though I was definitely more consumed by the mother & her outfit. ____ I thought to myself not long after seeing the two that, “if I follow God, I’ll never be able to wear anything like that”!!

Admittedly, self-pity was starting to set in! I knew that I couldn’t handle this!! I was left in my own personal depths of despair!!! W/ what seem like no way out, I chose after work to play “around the flame”. I checked out a few clothing stores – going through my usual ritual w/ unhealthy shopping; judging the differences between the male & female clothing…and w/ no surprise I made myself miserable w/ the male clothing!! And then feeling defenseless w/o a voice for anyone to hear me cry on the inside – ” women’s offerings are so much more pretty & diverse & the men’s is ugly & embarrassing to think that these outfits are made for men!? How dare they?!   ___ Now I’m at home again & I’m miserable.

 

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4 thoughts on “As of June 29th.

  1. I forgot to mention: w/ this experience being so strong & compelling to give into my compulsions, I believe I can say this at the very least, that the part of my heart that’s truly dying truly is lacking something VERY, VERY essential…that I cannot live w/o! But all-to-often I believe w/o a doubt that I need what I’d commonly refer to myself on the inside as “intimacy”, though this “intimacy” is w/ myself, sadly. __ I’ve noticed w/ in the last week or two, that whenever there’s a woman I’m interested in, I can quickly find myself internally freaking out if I begin to see a difference between her & myself – and the larger that difference becomes, the more insecure & “unworthy” I believe I am. Though it is natural that someone of the opposite sex should have differences w/ them – not merely physical. This makes sense, right? Well all my life I’ve looked the difference as a weekness.! Probably because I’ve convinced myself that she is the more gifted & “perfected sex” in a manner of speaking.

  2. Michael, it sounds like this goes back to what we’ve talked about with “envy.” Be good to think on that again.

    Sorry to hear that you are unhappy. But happiness is found in God, and in good things like relationships with people. Just like spending money on lots of new clothes is not going to truly make a real woman happy, it’s not going to make you happy either. It’s fleeting materialism.

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