Archive | October 2015

DANGER!! RUN!!!

DANGER!!  RUN!!! . . .that your life may be spared!! Flee sexual immorality!! Brothers & Sisters, flee it! For it truly is a living-death!! Or more accurately, it leaves one living in a state of perpetual death!

 

This warning is just as much of a warning to myself as anyone else that may read this. Truly, I’m posting this as a remind to myself, for I’ve been spending the last 2 weeks, give a few extra days, living in a constant turmoil. A turmoil of fear & terror… believing that I cannot tell anyone the thoughts, feelings, attitude and behaviors that have been running through my head…  and that I’ve acted on… and still, it keeps wanting to feed all-the-more! I’ve been crying out, “God, why am I in SO MUCH pain – and I don’t even know what it is, Lord, Father?! I’m clueless. For myself personally, it’s eroticizing everything! It’s a disease. It’s a trap. It’s at least the seemingly-impossible way of trying to separate that which is pure & lovely, and without blemish, from that which has been blemished, and is hollow, empty. . . and if you ever get this far; grotesque! This is a result of the inherent condition that every human being after Adam & Eve we’re born with when they came screaming into this world from their mother’s womb. . . Sin. A heart that’s diseased by a fallen nature to live according to the perfection of a perfect, loving, intimately involved, Heavenly Father! . . . Though, there is a Hope!

 

When I think back, as I was only a few minutes ago, for the first time in a long time – I’m not rightly sure how long it’s truthfully been – since I’ve been able to glimpse in my minds-eye, a pure, unblemished, holy, innocent form of femininity. The way I used to see femininity in its purest & lovely state, back when I was a little boy – who hadn’t yet been tainted by the twisting and distorting of sexuality and the beauty of God’s blessed design of gender – who first saw the glimpse of a little girl. In that moment, I’m certain I wasn’t gawking w/ my mouth open, but better yet, I was taken in by a glimpse of mysterious creature; one of pure fascination – not twisted. This outward unblemished & mysterious visual of this creature was & is in fact a representation – something to remember of the beauty in Jesus’ character that which is of a feminine nature. Not that woman possessed it first and then Jesus, but quite the reversal!

 

Lord Jesus, bring restoration! Open my eyes and the eyes of others that they may see that which is not seen, & open my ears and the ears of others that they may hear, for your honor and glory…and for our Joy w/ a life restored to us that we couldn’t save. Amen!

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Suffering When Not Crossdressing – For Good or in Vain? (Part 1)

Two weeks ago this Sunday the 18th of October, I moved down to Florida from Ohio. As you may already guess, moving – especially from one state to another is quite “taxing” on entire beings. This was and still is the case just prior to driving down to Florida and after my arrival here. Some would call that suffering. It can be a form of suffering; a form of servitude; a sacrificial devotion to another(others). Indeed! I personally believe this to a blessed & joyous thing to do, when I do it for my Savior Jesus! A lot of this process of moving has indeed been positive – and ultimately, even the seemingly-negative experiences ultimately are positive too, I believe as well! Though they’re painful, filled some times – and other times even more often than not – they’re a suffering.

One experience that I had while actually in the midst of driving down to Florida opened my eyes wide-open to the deception of this sin – in this case, the very things in my heart that led to crossdressing and/or the things in my heart that reaped from the very things in my heart that grew the desire to sin through crossdressing originally, happen to manifested itself in a way that has solidified how crossdressing was & still is deceptive to me!

Without any further delay: while I was driving down from Ohio to Florida, at this particular time during a particular morning while in Kentucky, I had just left the hotel I’d stayed in from the night before. Before getting back on the highway, I decided to stop at the Walmart to pick up a few things. While I was in there, the addiction started rearing its ugly head! All I could do in that moment was get my head and my heart tied up in a game of comparison – comparing myself to others (mainly this comparison was on who was “the better person”, based almost entirely on external appearances). Believe it or not, I felt horrific during this whole sickening game of comparison!!

What I have noticed in the past is that during a typical, compulsive comparison cycle, I usually am trying to compare myself w/ women & their apparel, & how it compares in value to myself and my apparel. But if my ultimate perceiving of good being, feminine apparel = “good” and Bad being, masculine apparel = “bad”…then I’ve essentially internalizing that I’ m bad and that I’ll never be good unless I’m wearing something feminine. This thinking shatters any hope of developing any healthy, pure, moderated self-love & the same kind of love for women! I’ll never love myself as long as I hold this interpretation of (feminine=good and masculine=bad). In fact, this will continue a pattern of self-loathing, hate – I’ll never be at rest with myself or with women! I’ll beat myself up repeatedly & women will never be a person, but an object of envy, because if I shrink a man and a woman’s worth down to what they wear, then I’m also degrading myself and women into a mere thing.