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A Trouble-Inducing Reality For Strugglers

Hello. Again, I haven’t made a post…well, for too long. But I’m more on fire for trusting Jesus w/ all of my being by far more than I ever have.

About a month ago I started to experience this reality being, just that, a reality! It’s truly amazing, when Jesus – through the guidance given to those who trust in Him as Lord & Savior over their lives & beings (via the Holy Spirit – this truly begins to change our heart from the state which it originates from. Hopefully I can provide something that the Spirit of God can use to hopefully bend & break & persuade your heart in your own personal conflict w/ this destructive perception of who you are, who God the Father is…& Jesus & the Spirit. This isn’t to imply that I’m “just that good” that the Spirit would use me…merely, that I pray that these words can be utilized by the Spirit to bring about truth that others who struggle in this may receive hope, truth & understanding…especially since there’s such a limited amount of material on the internet about this problem – meaning about truth working through the heart problems.

Anyway, what I’m on to talk about is one of the current ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS that men who struggle to accept their true biological gender will without much doubt will be a potential stumbling block. This stumbling block won’t be one directly of the heart, per sa’, but it will like influence it like being from the heart. What I’m making a reference to is the reality that any man that makes the important decision to say no to crossdressing will at one time at least, after saying no to it, likely struggle w/ trying to find more decorative selections in clothing after being stable enough to consider more than wearing clothing that men tend to typically wear.

Now, before I get ahead of myself, I wish to make it clear that what I’m mentioning I believe could be taken the wrong way for those struggling in this like I do myself. Because this can VERY EASILY make room for doubt in our minds, which Satan will w/o doubt use to confuse us. In addition, I’m not in ANYWAY trying to suggest men should go in this direction! Though, I don’t wish to delude anyone; I think it’s safe to say that not all men were meant to simply accept the typical clothing that men wear usually. THOUGH, I believe (and this I apply to myself right now at this very moment – and will likely have to for some time to come) that not all men were meant to be “masculine” in the typical American physical perspective of what a man “should” dress and/or look like. This isn’t to say that men should live separating themselves from other men by what they wear…or even simply wearing other types of clothing styles. Again, right now I cannot step out of the “typical” in terms of clothing style that men have available to them these days.

Ok, I think I’ve cleared that part up, but if anyone has any thoughts, opinions..or if there’s some detail(s) that I implied by I didn’t give, then please let me know that I may fill in those blanks. (If you are to comment, please leave it to constructive criticism where we are able to help strengthen & encourage one another. I’m definitely open to opinions other than mine, but again, please only reply if your heart’s motive is to truly reason together for the others’ benefit. This isn’t about “throwing the truth” in the others’ face. This is about having life-giving discussions that we can learn from.

As I’ve been laying my wants ( & ultimately my entire being & all of my possessions – & the possessions in my heart that I want that are of my flesh ) the Lord has been revealing that the many days & nights for 5 years plus that I’ve griped trying to give up my wants to dress, act & believe that I am or should be a woman, I’ve tried for too long to offer a “counter-proposal”, that God should give me men’s clothing that I want that I BELIEVE I could be satisfied w/ when giving wants up & accepting that I’ll accept God’s will for me that I’m a man & that I live as man. All of this time that I’ve wanted to see men’s clothing change in our culture, I’ve been in an almost ceaseless state of grudging, envying, judging, coveting, the clothing that women still have because the clothing that I presently think would be a very gorgeous reflection of men’s hearts that live for Jesus & have a more gentle, soft & more artistic personality. Currently, it’s VERY, VERY difficult to find clothing w/ a softer, gentler touch, style, designs, colors, etc. that women’s clothing has been blessed w/ to see implemented. Though….at the very least, men’s hearts ABSOLUTELY NEED to lay these things, these hopes, these dreams bare before Jesus! I think these things need to become dead to us, that in the hopes that they not have the same sting of death for us! But this isn’t the main reason to lay them down…they’re to be laid down that Jesus may RAISE our heart again from it harboring the deadly destructive idol(s) wrapped up in this struggle that come to devour us! It’s truly the BEST THING you can do! For you, for every one you love, for all the other people that God will bless your life with ( especially if this disease is given in its entirety to Jesus so he can really begin the real & serious changes that will happen in your heart!) & lastly & ultimately for Jesus!!

Now, there is a possibility that it’s not God’s desire for you to look into finding men’s clothing that reflects the Spirit that he’s REALLY given you – not the compromise of “THINKING” that you’ll settle for being a man, living & accepting that God’s made you a man, & thinking, “I’ll be content w/ all of this if you simply allow me to have men’s clothing the way I want it”. It should be a reality that “softer & gentle” men’s styles simply may not be what God wants for you or me.

Lastly, I’ll be perfectly honest, it’s possible that God’s will may be that he doesn’t ever desire for me to ever try to find & wear clothing that’s softer & gentler for men. Though, at the moment, I believe that is something that God’s been revealing to me. I do believe that men would greatly benefit from having more variety!

In fact, I know some really good, Christian men & women personally who’ve told me that they think that men have it lousy when it comes to clothing selections. & I’ve asked them do they think that it would be good for men to have more variety…even to the point of incorporating some styles & designs that women’s clothing presently possesses. And they’ve said yes! They do agree! So, we’re NOT ALONE! We’re not alone! Again, clothing should & isn’t everything!! The heart needs to rely on Jesus; the heart must be able to seriously “take it or leave it” – or truly, when Jesus says, yes – then, & only then are we ready to venture in that direction.

DANGER!! RUN!!!

DANGER!!  RUN!!! . . .that your life may be spared!! Flee sexual immorality!! Brothers & Sisters, flee it! For it truly is a living-death!! Or more accurately, it leaves one living in a state of perpetual death!

 

This warning is just as much of a warning to myself as anyone else that may read this. Truly, I’m posting this as a remind to myself, for I’ve been spending the last 2 weeks, give a few extra days, living in a constant turmoil. A turmoil of fear & terror… believing that I cannot tell anyone the thoughts, feelings, attitude and behaviors that have been running through my head…  and that I’ve acted on… and still, it keeps wanting to feed all-the-more! I’ve been crying out, “God, why am I in SO MUCH pain – and I don’t even know what it is, Lord, Father?! I’m clueless. For myself personally, it’s eroticizing everything! It’s a disease. It’s a trap. It’s at least the seemingly-impossible way of trying to separate that which is pure & lovely, and without blemish, from that which has been blemished, and is hollow, empty. . . and if you ever get this far; grotesque! This is a result of the inherent condition that every human being after Adam & Eve we’re born with when they came screaming into this world from their mother’s womb. . . Sin. A heart that’s diseased by a fallen nature to live according to the perfection of a perfect, loving, intimately involved, Heavenly Father! . . . Though, there is a Hope!

 

When I think back, as I was only a few minutes ago, for the first time in a long time – I’m not rightly sure how long it’s truthfully been – since I’ve been able to glimpse in my minds-eye, a pure, unblemished, holy, innocent form of femininity. The way I used to see femininity in its purest & lovely state, back when I was a little boy – who hadn’t yet been tainted by the twisting and distorting of sexuality and the beauty of God’s blessed design of gender – who first saw the glimpse of a little girl. In that moment, I’m certain I wasn’t gawking w/ my mouth open, but better yet, I was taken in by a glimpse of mysterious creature; one of pure fascination – not twisted. This outward unblemished & mysterious visual of this creature was & is in fact a representation – something to remember of the beauty in Jesus’ character that which is of a feminine nature. Not that woman possessed it first and then Jesus, but quite the reversal!

 

Lord Jesus, bring restoration! Open my eyes and the eyes of others that they may see that which is not seen, & open my ears and the ears of others that they may hear, for your honor and glory…and for our Joy w/ a life restored to us that we couldn’t save. Amen!

Suffering When Not Crossdressing – For Good or in Vain? (Part 1)

Two weeks ago this Sunday the 18th of October, I moved down to Florida from Ohio. As you may already guess, moving – especially from one state to another is quite “taxing” on entire beings. This was and still is the case just prior to driving down to Florida and after my arrival here. Some would call that suffering. It can be a form of suffering; a form of servitude; a sacrificial devotion to another(others). Indeed! I personally believe this to a blessed & joyous thing to do, when I do it for my Savior Jesus! A lot of this process of moving has indeed been positive – and ultimately, even the seemingly-negative experiences ultimately are positive too, I believe as well! Though they’re painful, filled some times – and other times even more often than not – they’re a suffering.

One experience that I had while actually in the midst of driving down to Florida opened my eyes wide-open to the deception of this sin – in this case, the very things in my heart that led to crossdressing and/or the things in my heart that reaped from the very things in my heart that grew the desire to sin through crossdressing originally, happen to manifested itself in a way that has solidified how crossdressing was & still is deceptive to me!

Without any further delay: while I was driving down from Ohio to Florida, at this particular time during a particular morning while in Kentucky, I had just left the hotel I’d stayed in from the night before. Before getting back on the highway, I decided to stop at the Walmart to pick up a few things. While I was in there, the addiction started rearing its ugly head! All I could do in that moment was get my head and my heart tied up in a game of comparison – comparing myself to others (mainly this comparison was on who was “the better person”, based almost entirely on external appearances). Believe it or not, I felt horrific during this whole sickening game of comparison!!

What I have noticed in the past is that during a typical, compulsive comparison cycle, I usually am trying to compare myself w/ women & their apparel, & how it compares in value to myself and my apparel. But if my ultimate perceiving of good being, feminine apparel = “good” and Bad being, masculine apparel = “bad”…then I’ve essentially internalizing that I’ m bad and that I’ll never be good unless I’m wearing something feminine. This thinking shatters any hope of developing any healthy, pure, moderated self-love & the same kind of love for women! I’ll never love myself as long as I hold this interpretation of (feminine=good and masculine=bad). In fact, this will continue a pattern of self-loathing, hate – I’ll never be at rest with myself or with women! I’ll beat myself up repeatedly & women will never be a person, but an object of envy, because if I shrink a man and a woman’s worth down to what they wear, then I’m also degrading myself and women into a mere thing.

Healthy Outlets

Are there any healthy outlets to counteract the feelings & the stinking-thinking that we  (myself) can implement to help develope a healthy habit of seeing that I’m not so different from a woman that “I’m not worthy to be w/ them or to be associated w/ a woman?”  I’m terribly confused & I don’t know how to explain what’s hurting so deep at the core! Lord, God, save me from my addictions, though I want to self-justify & hurt others at times for their perceived stupidity -by me.  Save me!! Save me, I’m desperate, but not desperate to run into your arms w/ all of my heart’s problems!

 

As of June 29th.

Well it’s been a long time, but there’s no time like right now.

As of the last two weeks, God’s – more or less – God’s opened my eyes to the reality that, when he enables me to truly trust him w/ whatever comes my way…& I respond w/ acceptance – no matter what: things I typically try to control, or I’m scared of & I simply run from it…literally NO MATTER how scary or unpleasant or unpredictable a circumstance or situation becomes, I’d simply remind myself  through communicating it to God that, “You’re allowing this to happen & happen for a good reason”. “No  matter how scary things are, you’re taking care of me”. ___

Now w/ in the last four days, roughly, things started to get distorted. Meaning, even though I found myself content, I was compelled to run to fantasy I’d make up in my head & I’d act upon that! And this became a regular thing for each of those four days – give into the fleeting thoughts. Now, about a few hours ago when I can into work after leaving church, I saw what looked like a mother & daughter getting out of their vehicle. And they were dressed up really cute & elegant. The mother had on what looked like a really thin, but silky type skirt & this really adorable grey top that was made in such a way where from behind it fastened to her in such an elegant manner. And her daughter had a very adorable yellow skirt on. Though I was definitely more consumed by the mother & her outfit. ____ I thought to myself not long after seeing the two that, “if I follow God, I’ll never be able to wear anything like that”!!

Admittedly, self-pity was starting to set in! I knew that I couldn’t handle this!! I was left in my own personal depths of despair!!! W/ what seem like no way out, I chose after work to play “around the flame”. I checked out a few clothing stores – going through my usual ritual w/ unhealthy shopping; judging the differences between the male & female clothing…and w/ no surprise I made myself miserable w/ the male clothing!! And then feeling defenseless w/o a voice for anyone to hear me cry on the inside – ” women’s offerings are so much more pretty & diverse & the men’s is ugly & embarrassing to think that these outfits are made for men!? How dare they?!   ___ Now I’m at home again & I’m miserable.

 

From an Event-to-Belief-to-Feeling-to-Behavior ~~~


When I was with my therapist last week, we were discussing how much I cleverly cover or bury my feelings, thoughts, etc, after barely acknowledging them – in other words, I wouldn’t truly acknowledge them.  And even while we were in our session, He would have to keep “taking command” to make sure that I wouldn’t deviate from this process of trying to uncover the core of the feelings or the thoughts that we were concentrating on at the time. In some form of “unwillingness” I would evade the questions that he would try to ask me about that certain something at the time… or I would answer the question with a question, or offer an opinion instead. I’d constantly ask for clarification in the question. Though the questions were usually quite simple and straight-forth. Though, I honestly was confused immensely by his questions. I believe in part because I’d look at the question and analyse the question to its core, trying to find a “deeper meaning behind the question”.  <—- Over-Intellectualizing Type  (A form of hiding from authority, adulthood, our Good and “bad” selves – used by John Townsend in his book “Hiding From Love” )

Anywho, one of the ways that my therapist gave me a way to look at and think about whenever I’d start feeling really bad, or if I would start to notice something wasn’t quite right, He referred me to the “ABCD’s of the 4 aspects of an emotion”  (At least that’s what a website I found referred to it as)

“A” : Activating Event (Any external “anything” that starts the cycle of the Emotion)

“B” : Belief (this can be a one-word statement that’s in regards to the Activating Event)

“C” : Consequential Feeling ( The feeling(s) that you experience in response to your “Belief System” bases on how you respond to the Activating event. Though the feelings are the result of the “Belief”, ( The thought(s) that you’re experiencing and the result from those )

“D” : Decisive Behavior ( a behavior that you exhibit that “gives shape” to your feeling(s)

Thoughts From One of My Seemingly Ordinary Days of Life

This is a short one…. Here it goes. In this week – referring to this prior week to Mother’s Day, and into Mother’s Day week – I’ve been on the verge of panic and seeming helplessness.

I just want to share a song that couldn’t really describe any better the way things have been for me this week. The Song and its Lyrics by: Icon for Hire . The Song. “The Grey”

“I am standing on the edge of returning or just running away
I am letting myself look the other way
And the hardest part in all of this is I don’t think I know my way back home
Is it worth the journey or do I let my heart settle here

How cold have I become
I didn’t want to
Lose you by what I’d done
Caught in the grey

I don’t wanna look you in the eyes, you might call my away
I don’t wanna give you the chance to make me stay
And the hardest part in all of this is
I know my way back, I don’t want to go
And let you see all that has become of me

I should’ve know, I should’ve known
I didn’t have a chance

How cold have I become
I didn’t want to
Lose you by what I’d done
Caught in the grey
It burns for a moment but
But then it numbs you
Takes you and leaves you just
Caught in the grey

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In you darkest night
You are lovely

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In you darkest night
You are lovely

How cold have I become
I didn’t want to
Lose you by what I’d done
Caught in the grey
It burns for a moment but
But then it numbs you
Takes you and leaves you just
Caught in the grey

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In you darkest night
You are lovely

In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In you darkest night
You are lovely

I am standing on the edge of returning or just running away”