Tag Archive | Struggles

A Thoughts/Feelings OVERLOAD!!

I don’t know about others that happen to struggle with Crossdressing, Transgenderism, Gender Confusion… or even homosexuality… well, let me make it a more open field for others:  Anyone who struggles with their identity – whether you may consider it sexual or gender or whatever…   Anywho, when anyone in the above condition, have you ever experienced a total overload of feeling, thoughts, words, imagery? To get more precise, where when you sense that you’re compelled to keep yourself accountable – to God ultimately – but you also feel compelled to expose this with someone safe and who can keep you accountable about your struggles, but. . . .  you have more thoughts, feeling, words, imagery and multiple, separate occurrence of all of the above,  that when you try to let someone else know about these things you’ve had in your head, you cannot get it out!!

 

You’re truly overloaded and you cannot even get even one single occurrence with one complete thought from your head and out of your mouth!!

 

I hope someone understood this post. I apologize for the run-on sentences.  But does anyone else understand this??  I’m truly confused about this!

 

~   Michael . . . ~

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Spending 48 Hours Intimately Bonded and Content With My Saviour. . . Without Any Want/Need for Crossdressing! (Part 2)

This is apparently from the title, “part 2” of my original post. : )

It’s now a week since the “48 hours” experience I had. And since then I have been going in a downward spiral of confusion, questioning, fear, doubting of whether this is really true! I cannot even begin to mention or even describe in detail – at least for the moment all of the details. But I’ve been becoming fairly distant in my “connection” with God (at least my perceived connection). It’s been hard, to put it mildly. And the longer time goes by, it seems like it really isn’t “all it was meant to be” , or could be!

 

I believe part of my confusion is due to when things “don’t seem” like they’re in control – that situations are not predictable (Un-scary), then I believe that I have been going into my own ritual of trying to “take hold of the rope” when it seems like it’s going to fall to the ground where it will be left to be “unattended”.  . . what I’m trying to lead up to is that, I believe that I’ve been somehow trying to desperately, subconsciously, trying to keep a “lid” on a can of worms that will lead to disaster  if exposed…. in english: ) . . . I’m trying to keep my “badness”, whether truly sinful or perceived as bad, concealed AT ALL COSTS! I’m terrified of making mistakes, even when they’re “innocent”. I’m trying to live up to some ridiculous expectation of perfection! Ridiculous? Yes!! But slowing down fast enough to get that through to myself is the hardest thing. . . I don’t know. . .

I don’t know at the moment, but earlier in the week I did give into “acting out” on differing thoughts and feelings spiraling through me… and I KNEW, deep down, that THIS WAS IT. I HAD TO STAND UP and FIGHT with Jesus beside me. . . but the mere anticipation of the act was enough for me to say, “God, I’ll just do this really quick and then I’ll be right back to your side”.  LIE!!!

 

 

 

But I wonder – and this is simply pondering this in a relatively irrational state –  whether if one of the underlying reasons for my tremendous confusion and a sort of “inability” to accept God, and pick up His Word and Fight again is due to trying to suppress for SO LONG HOW truly depraved my “natural self” is – and the severity!  I think I may be caught up in a “all good, or nothing” sort of patterns – a definite cycle-producing thing!

 

 

For now I must leave, but I leave you with these lyrics from a song that really well describes what I’ve been going through. I really would like to thank Icon For Hire for their amazing song:  Get Well  

 

“We throw tantrums like parties
We’re not happy ’til everyone knows we’re sick
And that’s just how we like it
We’ve hurt bad enough, right, we’ve earned it

Don’t tell the others but it’s all getting old
I mean how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content
Stay where you are but it hurts like hell
And I’m sure it’s fun at first
Test your pulse and check your vitals
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital

So now you know all my secrets
I want out, I know I don’t need this
Can you find me friends that don’t rank me on what I’ve been through
The more battle scars the more attention it gets you

Don’t tell the others but it’s all getting old
I mean how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content
Stay where you are but it hurts like hell
And I’m sure it’s fun at first
Test your pulse and check your vitals
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital

Yeah we should’ve known it would end this way
What did you expect, pretend it all away
And all we’ve got left is a sorry pile of hearts
I’m getting out, gonna write myself a new start
Come on, dry your eyes, meet me on the other side
Run as fast as you can and we’ll make it out alive
We know better now, we don’t have to live like this
Go tell them all we don’t have to live like this

I meant it when I said I wanna get well

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content
Stay where you are but it hurts like hell
And I’m sure it’s fun at first
Test your pulse and check your vitals
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital”

Spending 48 Hours Intimately Bonded and Content With My Saviour. . . Without Any Want/Need for Crossdressing! (Part 1)

This Sunday and Monday – the 5th and 6th of May – included some of the most heart-opening experiences in my entire life!  Normally I’d try to cover every single, nitty-gritty  detail of what I would want to write in a post,… but if I do that, I’ll never complete it, and it’ll be written out of compulsion. And I don’t wish for that to happen.

To put it simply, I was blessed with God opening my heart up to Him to the point where I was in a state of complete & total contentment in Him. . . and HIM ALONE! No crossdressing was desired! No staring at women and/or their appearance, clothing, etc. and wanting that!  . . .  I was truly blessed with being content with who I was in Him – my Saviour – . . . and the thing that surprised me all-the-more, was the fact that I was truly content with who God created me to be – who I am. I was blessed with a true thankfulness for who I am, what I am, where I’m currently at in life. I even was thankful for being created a guy and not a woman! I was thankful for my unique personality and abilities that He has given me . . . all of that with His never-ending love that was, and is, and will always be  truly perfected!!

I have come to understand that Jesus already died – and yes, several of us have heard that SO many times, and out of that several, there are still many that want to  scream because they simply don’t get it! ( I’m one of them)  Though, recently, the fact that Jesus has died for me has started to become A LOT more clear to what that really means – in a more “heart-like” sense.  . . If we have Jesus, then WE HAVE THE RIGHT to FIGHT to live for Him everyday! Everyday, we can be content in Him. . . we can fight for our right to hold onto the reality that we have EVERYTHING with Him, and nothing when we do not!

A couple of years ago a Christian pastor and author by the name of Tullian Tchividjian wrote a book called :   Jesus + Nothing = Everything  . . .  And it didn’t “click” till a few days ago that, “Umm. . . wow!! That’s it!!”

~~~~ ❤ ~~~~

About This Site – 1:

A place for others ( including myself ) that want a change in their lives; that want to live ( completely and truly ) for the first time in their lives separately ( including mine ) from their ( and my ) addictions to living as a Transgendered or Crossdressing individual. Personally I believe the only true way that I can kick this addiction is through allowing God – through His Son, Jesus – to equip me with a heart that’s truly willing to surrender everything that He commands me to, no matter how severe the costs may seem!