Two weeks ago this Sunday the 18th of October, I moved down to Florida from Ohio. As you may already guess, moving – especially from one state to another is quite “taxing” on entire beings. This was and still is the case just prior to driving down to Florida and after my arrival here. Some would call that suffering. It can be a form of suffering; a form of servitude; a sacrificial devotion to another(others). Indeed! I personally believe this to a blessed & joyous thing to do, when I do it for my Savior Jesus! A lot of this process of moving has indeed been positive – and ultimately, even the seemingly-negative experiences ultimately are positive too, I believe as well! Though they’re painful, filled some times – and other times even more often than not – they’re a suffering.
One experience that I had while actually in the midst of driving down to Florida opened my eyes wide-open to the deception of this sin – in this case, the very things in my heart that led to crossdressing and/or the things in my heart that reaped from the very things in my heart that grew the desire to sin through crossdressing originally, happen to manifested itself in a way that has solidified how crossdressing was & still is deceptive to me!
Without any further delay: while I was driving down from Ohio to Florida, at this particular time during a particular morning while in Kentucky, I had just left the hotel I’d stayed in from the night before. Before getting back on the highway, I decided to stop at the Walmart to pick up a few things. While I was in there, the addiction started rearing its ugly head! All I could do in that moment was get my head and my heart tied up in a game of comparison – comparing myself to others (mainly this comparison was on who was “the better person”, based almost entirely on external appearances). Believe it or not, I felt horrific during this whole sickening game of comparison!!
What I have noticed in the past is that during a typical, compulsive comparison cycle, I usually am trying to compare myself w/ women & their apparel, & how it compares in value to myself and my apparel. But if my ultimate perceiving of good being, feminine apparel = “good” and Bad being, masculine apparel = “bad”…then I’ve essentially internalizing that I’ m bad and that I’ll never be good unless I’m wearing something feminine. This thinking shatters any hope of developing any healthy, pure, moderated self-love & the same kind of love for women! I’ll never love myself as long as I hold this interpretation of (feminine=good and masculine=bad). In fact, this will continue a pattern of self-loathing, hate – I’ll never be at rest with myself or with women! I’ll beat myself up repeatedly & women will never be a person, but an object of envy, because if I shrink a man and a woman’s worth down to what they wear, then I’m also degrading myself and women into a mere thing.